Everybody Loves Raymond S11 E01: Home
by CastleArcade
Summary: Harley is dead. Ray is dead. What happens now?


Everybody Loves Raymond

Season 11

Episode 1: Home

Written by: Robert

Last season catch-up: Harley and Ray were living life when they started meeting new friends who ended up moving in with them. After a series of events, our heroes ended up living with Kim Possible and Judy Hopps. Thanks to Harley's sketchy past, Frank Castle (Better known as The Punisher) ended up tracking down Harley, causing Ray to get caught in the crossfire. Ray died before the fight even started. After a long action-packed battle, The Punisher was shot in the back by Judy Hopps, killing him. But what was Harley going to do? She went to her neighbor Yoda who explained that Ray was in the afterlife and if Harley wanted to get him back, she'd have to die. Harley was excited, knowing there was a way to get Ray back, so she convinced Judy to kill one more time. Judy aimed the shotgun at Harley and BANG…

Harley gasped loudly as she opened her eyes. She looked around, confused. "Hello?" She asked, hearing her voice echo. She scanned the environment. It seemed to go on forever. The sky was red, there were dark mountains on the horizon. A large forest of jagged leafless trees was in the distance.

"Where am I?" Harley asked herself, standing up. "I guess I'm dead. Hmm… so where's Ray? Where is anybody?"

Harley started walking. She walked for a long time until she stumbled upon a fountain. "Finally, somethin' ta drink." She said, resting on the edge of the fountain, noticing that the water was red. "What? Blood? Awwwwww. Man." She groaned and lied back, staring at the blood red sky. It wasn't long before she fell asleep.

"Hello?" A voice said. Harley felt something poke her side. "Wake up." The voice continued.

Harley opened an eye and saw a large muscled man with blue skin and a single horn coming out of the top of his head.

"What's your handle, beefcake?" Harley asked the man.

"Goz. Yours?" Goz asked.

"Harley." She smiled.

"Wait… Harley what?" He asked.

"Harley Quinn!" She responded.

Goz backed away slowly. "Hey, lady. I don't want any trouble. I know how many guys you sent here."

"Sent where?" She asked, raising an eyebrow.

"HFIL! You don't know where you are? You're dead!" He said. He was obviously scared. And Harley had a reputation already.

"What kinda weird name is HFIL?" Harley asked.

"The Home for Infinite Losers. You know. Opposite Heaven? Right next to deadsville?"

"Deadsville sounds fake." Harley laughed.

"It is! But you're dead!"

"Duh! A bunny friend of mine shot me right in the noggin with a shotgun! Pow!" Harley giggled.

"You… your bunny friend killed you?" Goz looked like he was in shock. "Ne-Never mind."

"Anyhoo, where's the boss around here?" Harley asked.

"You don't wanna talk to him." Goz said, looking worried.

"Yes, I do." She glared.

"No, you don't." He said back.

"I do!" She pounced Goz.

"Help!" Goz cried out.

"You're gonna tell me what I gotta know, you big blue beefy bum!" Harley threw a punch.

"Okay! That way! Just don't kill me!" He cried, pointing in the direction of a large castle in the distance.

"Huh. How did I miss that?" Harley laughed. "Thanks, beefcake!" She said, getting off of him and began walking again. Harley was going to get to the bottom of this. One way or another, she was going to talk with whoever it was in charge of HFIL and get Ray and herself back home. Even if it killed her…. Again.

In the distance, on top of a mountain, someone was looking down at Harley. Watching.

Harley was humming to herself. "I wonder what Kimmy and Judy are up to. Probably cleaning up. We left a mess!" She said to herself. "What are they gonna do with mine and Ray's bodies while they wait?" She gasped. "They better not be putting my corpse in funny positions. I know I would." Harley laughed.

Harley started climbing a mountain. The castle was on top. This was going to take forever. Harley didn't want to stop. She kept climbing until she found a nice flat spot to take a rest. She heard something move close by. "Huh? Who's makin' noise over there?" She called out.

A small frail person came from around the corner, shyly approaching. "We didn't means to scare you." He said. His voice was oddly high. It made Harley crack up.

"What's your name, little guy?" She asked.

"Smeagol!" He smiled. He looked like he could drop dead any second, but he continued to smile.

"Can you… help me up the mountain, Smeagol?" Harley asked.

"Of course! Follow, lady! Follow!" He crawled on all fours, leading Harley to a cave. "Through the cave. Right through the cave will lead lady to the top." He grinned.

"Thanks, little guy!" Harley said, approaching the cave opening when there was another noise behind her. A much louder noise.

"AAAAHHH! HELP, LADY!" Smeagol cried out before he was tossed off the cliff. There was a faint plop sound when he hit the bottom.

"Hey! Why'd you do that to my new friend?!" Harley asked the new figure, tapping his shoulder. He turned around and glared at Harley. She couldn't believe it. It was him. "The Punisher?" Harley gasped.

His face remained emotionless. "I threw that liar off because he was leading you to a spider in there. Big one. He did the same to me." The Punisher said.

Harley punched The Punisher in the face. He rubbed his face with his hand. "That one's free. Next one'll cost you." He said.

"You killed Ray!" Harley said. "He was innocent!" She shouted.

"I know. And I regret that. I was aiming for you." He said. "You know you deserved it. Looks like you got what was coming to anyway to be here."

Harley glared. "I probably did deserve it, but he didn't." She said.

The Punisher glanced up to the top of the mountain. "Look, Quinn. The job is done. You got your punishment somehow. But you're right. Ray didn't deserve to die. That's why I'm going to make things right. Even if I have to kill the man in charge to do it."

Harley stared up at the Punisher in shock. "You want to bring back Ray?" She asked.

"Yeah." He said, starting to climb up the steep rock wall.

"Me too!" Harley said. "I was gonna sock the head honcho one right in the face and demand a way to get Ray back home!"

The Punisher hesitated. "Then are you coming?"

Harley sighed. She wanted to do this alone. But with the man who killed Ray himself? She didn't see that coming. She shrugged. "Why not?" Harley began to climb along with the Punisher.

They climbed up to the top and looked at the giant ancient castle. "Only one way in." Harley said, walking toward the large doors. "Help me out, Franky." She said, pulling on the gigantic wooden door. The Punisher gripped the handle along with Harley and managed to pull the door open slightly. Just enough to get inside.

"What's the plan?" Harley asked.

"For once, I have no idea." He replied. "I'm open to suggestions."

"Let's find the boss of this HFIL place, take turns beatin' him to a pulp, and get Ray back."

Frank sighed. This was seriously the best plan they had. "I guess it'll have to do. Let's go." He said.


End file.
